Ho-Ho-Hose

I'm usually a very private person.

You won't find me sharing personal information with co-workers, acquaintances, or the bank teller (as noted in a recent post).

But for some reason this blog makes me want to share.

And today I'd like to share with you about maternity compression stockings.

Remember that one time when I told you I had to order a pair (or two) of these babies?

Yes, well, they arrived.

They're here, they're here - get the door!!

A disturbing, but true fact?

I was actually really excited to get them.

Don't judge me - I've been in pain.

And they're just like nylons, right?

Wrong.

Allow me to bring you into my world for a moment.

It'll be fun, I promise.

Ok, first I'm going to need you to find a 9 year old girl and steal her tights.

Pink, white, black, whatever she's got. Rip 'em out of her hands and run.

Now...and this is essential.

Throw them in the dryer on the high setting and shrink them so instead of fitting a 9 year old, they'd maybe fit a 5 year old.

Or, if you're super efficient, steal the tights from a 5 year old.

But don't blame me if she cries.

Next, tape a balloon or a beach ball around your midsection so it's nice and tight - preferably pushing on several internal organs, and sure not to move in all the commotion that's about to ensue.

Good, now take your little girl tights, and gather them all up so you can shove your foot into one side.

Start with the left or the right - it's really your choice - it's all going to turn out the same in the end.

Finally got one foot in? Good for you. Try to pull it up past your calf.

At this point, if you're not laying on the bed, out of breath and ready to give up and wrap your legs in saran wrap for the next 8 weeks than you're doing better than me.

If you do manage to pull those tights up past your thighs, over your hips and past that balloon or ball you've adhered to your belly they're not going to stay there.

I'm just saying.

Gravity will take over. And about the time you are walking into work they're going to start trying to escape from your body...traveling south with such speed you'll be sure your pants are about to slip right off you.

But you're still going to have to act like a grown up, pretend you're not walking around with your crotch around your knees and discreetly hike up both pants and tights while acting like you're merely adjusting your waistband.

Good luck with that.

There, now you have walked a mile in my tights...er...hose...er...stockings.

Whatever, at least you can walk a mile.

I'm just going to stay here on the couch in my granny hose, dreaming of the days when I'll be cute again.

When instead of compression hose I can reinstate the fishnets.

Ah, the good old days.

Happy New Year's everyone!

May 2012 be filled with fishnets!!